Most people think anxiety is something that just “happens” to them, like catching a cold.
But if you look closely, 99% of your stress, anger, and frustration comes from a single logic error. You are trying to control things that you cannot control.
- You get angry when it rains on your vacation.
- You get stressed when the stock market dips.
- You get frustrated when a driver cuts you off.
- You get anxious about what your boss thinks of you.
In every one of these cases, you are tying your happiness to an external event. You are handing the keys to your emotional state to a stranger, or to the weather.
It is time to take the keys back.
The Stoic Fork
Epictetus, a slave-turned-philosopher, gave us the ultimate cheat code for life 2,000 years ago. He called it the Dichotomy of Control.
He divided the entire universe into two buckets:
Bucket A: Things Up to Us (Internal)
- Our opinions.
- Our actions.
- Our desires.
- Our character.
Bucket B: Things Not Up to Us (External)
- The economy.
- The weather.
- The past.
- Other people’s opinions.
- Other people’s actions.
- The outcome of our efforts.
Here is the rule: If you focus on Bucket A, you are invincible. If you focus on Bucket B, you are a slave.
The Archer Metaphor
This is the hardest pill to swallow: You do not control the outcome.
Imagine you are an archer.
- You can choose the best bow (Internal).
- You can train your aim for years (Internal).
- You can wait for the perfect moment to release the string (Internal).
But the moment the arrow leaves your hand, it belongs to the wind. A gust could blow it off course. The target could move. A bird could fly in front of it.
If your self-worth is tied to hitting the bullseye (the outcome), you will be anxious until the arrow lands.
If your self-worth is tied to shooting well (the process), you are calm immediately after release.
Amateurs obsess over the result. Professionals obsess over the process.
Applying the Filter
I use this mental model every single day to save my sanity.
Scenario 1: Someone insults you on the internet.
- Old Me: Gets angry, writes a paragraph defending myself, ruins my afternoon.
- Realist Me: Can I control their opinion? No. Can I control my reaction? Yes. Block and move on.
Scenario 2: You get stuck in traffic.
- Old Me: Honks the horn, stares at the clock, blood pressure spikes.
- Realist Me: Can I make the cars move? No. I am in a metal box. I might as well listen to a podcast.
Scenario 3: You didn’t get the promotion.
- Old Me: “I’m a failure. They hate me.”
- Realist Me: I did the work. I prepared the pitch. The decision was in Bucket B. I played my part well, the rest is just noise.
The Liberation
When you fully accept this, a massive weight lifts off your shoulders.
You realize you are not responsible for the world. You are only responsible for your response to the world.
- You don’t have to fix your partner.
- You don’t have to fix the economy.
- You don’t have to make people like you.
You just have to show up, do your best, and let the chips fall where they may.
Care deeply about the process. Be completely indifferent to the outcome.
The Challenge:
Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. On the left, write “I Control.” On the right, write “I Don’t Control.”
Think of the biggest problem stressing you out right now. List the parts of it.
Strike out everything on the right side. That is not your job. Focus only on what is left.