We have a toxic relationship with failure.
From the time we are in kindergarten, we are taught that “F” is bad. An “F” means you didn’t study. An “F” means you are stupid. An “F” means you should be ashamed.
We carry this trauma into adulthood.
- If a business idea flops, we hide it.
- If we get rejected by a date, we spiral into self-loathing.
- If we lose money on an investment, we feel like idiots.
We treat failure as a character judgment. We say: “I failed, therefore I am a failure.”
This is a logic error. And it is keeping you small.
The Scientist vs. The Ego
Imagine a scientist in a lab trying to cure a disease. She mixes Chemical A with Chemical B. The mixture turns brown and smells terrible. It didn’t work.
Does she sit on the floor and cry? Does she tell herself she is a worthless human being? Does she quit science forever?
No. She writes in her notebook: “Result: Chemical A + B = Brown Sludge. Ineffective.”
Then she tries Chemical C.
To a scientist, a negative result is not a failure. It is data.
It is valuable information. Now she knows one path that doesn’t work, which brings her one step closer to the path that does work.
Your Ego hates failure because it wants to look perfect.
The Realist loves failure because it reveals the truth.
The SpaceX Model
Look at Elon Musk and SpaceX. In the early days, they blew up rocket after rocket. Millions of dollars exploding in balls of fire. The news media laughed at them.
But the SpaceX engineers didn’t see it as a disaster. They saw it as an expensive data collection event. They looked at the telemetry, found the loose valve, fixed it, and launched again.
Now, they land rockets on boats in the middle of the ocean.
If you are afraid to blow up a few rockets, you will never reach the stars.
Failure is the Tuition Fee
You need to reframe how you view the “cost” of failure.
- That money you lost on a bad trade? That wasn’t a loss; that was the price of a seminar on risk management.
- That relationship that ended badly? That was a lesson on boundaries and communication.
- That terrible blog post nobody read? That was practice.
Reality charges a tuition fee for wisdom. You can pay that fee with time (reading books) or you can pay it with pain (experience). But you have to pay it.
If you have never failed, it doesn’t mean you are smart. It means you are playing a game that is too easy for you. It means you are stagnant.
Separate the Event from the Identity
The biggest mistake we make is linguistic.
Event: “My business failed.”
Identity: “I am a failure.”
These are two different things.
- A “Failed Business” is an external event. It is a thing that happened in the world.
- A “Failure Person” is a permanent state of being.
You are not your results. You are the person running the experiment.
How to Conduct a “Post-Mortem”
The next time you fail (and I hope you do, because it means you are trying), don’t get drunk and don’t wallow in self-pity.
Do a Post-Mortem Analysis. Sit down with a blank sheet of paper and answer these three questions cold-heartedly:
- What was the Hypothesis? (What did I think would happen?)
- What was the Reality? (What actually happened?)
- What is the Variable? (What one thing can I change for the next attempt?)
Extract the data. Throw away the shame.
The Verdict
The only true failure is stopping.
As long as you are still running experiments, you haven’t failed—you are just pivoting.
Go out there and generate some data.
The Challenge:
Think of your biggest “failure” from the last 5 years. Write it down.
Now, underneath it, write: “The Data I gained from this was…”
List one specific thing you learned that you wouldn’t know otherwise. That is your return on investment.