Eleanor Roosevelt famously said:
“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.”
This is the most accurate litmus test for intelligence I have ever seen.
Pay attention to your next conversation. What is the subject matter?
Are you talking about the future? About a concept? About how to solve a problem?
Or are you talking about Dave from accounting and who he is dating?
Gossip is the currency of the insecure.
The “Bonding” Trap
Why do we gossip? It feels good.
When you and a friend whisper about a third person’s failure, you get a rush of dopamine.
It creates a temporary bond. It says: “We are part of the tribe, and that person is an outsider.”
It also makes you feel superior. By highlighting someone else’s flaws, you briefly distract yourself from your own.
But this is a cheap, toxic form of connection. It is the social equivalent of eating junk food together. It feels good in the moment, but it leaves you feeling dirty afterwards.
The Trust Paradox
Here is the Golden Rule of Gossip:
If they will do it with you, they will do it to you.
If a friend constantly talks trash about others to you, do not be naive enough to think you are safe. As soon as you leave the room, you are the topic.
You cannot build a high-value network with people who gossip.
High-value people value discretion. They know that reputation is fragile. They don’t waste time tearing others down because they are too busy building their own empires.
Escaping the Bucket of Crabs
There is a concept called “Crab Mentality.”
If you put one crab in a bucket, it can crawl out. If you put ten crabs in a bucket, they will pull each other down every time one tries to escape.
Gossipers are the crabs.
They bond over their shared stagnation. If you start trying to improve yourself—if you start reading, working out, or building a business—they will start gossiping about you.
“Who does he think he is?”
“He’s changed.”
Take this as a compliment. It means you are climbing out of the bucket.
How to Kill the Conversation
You don’t have to be rude, but you must set a boundary.
When someone starts gossiping to you, you have two options:
1. The “Grey Rock” Method
Give them zero energy.
- Them: “Did you hear that Sarah got fired?”
- You: “Oh. Anyway, what are you working on this week?”If you don’t feed the fire, it dies.
2. The Direct Pivot
Ask a question about an Idea.
- Them: “Can you believe what John wore?”
- You: “That reminds me, I was reading about how fashion trends are cycling faster now. Do you think AI will change design?”
Drag the conversation up from the gutter (People) to the clouds (Ideas). If they can’t keep up, you know you need new friends.
The Verdict
Your words shape your reality.
If you spend your life talking about other people, you are a spectator.
If you spend your life talking about ideas, you are a creator.
Stop watching the game. Get on the field.
The Challenge:
For the next 3 days, adopt a “No Gossip” Policy.
If someone brings up a third person in a negative way, refuse to participate. Change the subject or walk away.
Notice how much mental energy you save when you aren’t carrying other people’s drama.