We are raised to be “nice.”
We are told to smile, be polite, and not rock the boat.
But there is a dark side to niceness.
Often, being “nice” is just a socially acceptable way of being dishonest.
If you are “nice” because you are afraid of conflict, you are not a good person. You are a coward.
The Difference Between Nice and Kind
We use these words interchangeably, but they are opposites.
- Nice is about You. It is a selfish transaction. You act agreeable so that people will like you, or so that you don’t have to feel the discomfort of an awkward conversation.
- Example: Your friend has a terrible business idea.
- Nice Response: “Wow, that sounds great! Good for you!” (Internal thought: He is going to lose all his money.)
- Kind is about Them. It is an act of love that prioritizes their long-term well-being over your short-term comfort.
- Example: Your friend has a terrible business idea.
- Kind Response: “I respect you too much to lie to you. I think this plan has a major flaw, and I don’t want to see you lose your savings. Can we look at the numbers together?”
Nice is comfortable poison. Kind is painful medicine.
The Problem with “Pathological Agreeableness”
Jordan Peterson talks about the danger of being “Agreeable.”
If you are too agreeable, you become a doormat. You say “yes” when you want to say “no.”
This creates Resentment Debt.
Every time you suppress your true feelings to be “nice,” you bury a little bit of anger. Over 5 or 10 years, that anger rots. It turns into bitterness. Eventually, you explode at your spouse or your boss over something small, because you have been holding back the truth for a decade.
As the chart above (popularized by Kim Scott) shows:
- Ruinous Empathy (Nice): You care about them, but you don’t challenge them. You let them fail.
- Radical Candor (Kind): You care about them enough to challenge them. This is where growth happens.
The “Spinach in the Teeth” Test
Imagine you are at a dinner party and you have a giant piece of spinach stuck in your front teeth.
- The Nice Person sees it but says nothing. They don’t want to make you feel embarrassed in the moment. So, they let you walk around for 3 hours looking stupid.
- The Kind Person pulls you aside immediately and whispers, “Hey, check your teeth.”
It is awkward for 5 seconds. But it saves you from 3 hours of humiliation.
The Verdict
Stop trying to be liked. Start trying to be respected.
People who are addicted to being “nice” are actually manipulative. They are curating a false image of themselves to avoid rejection.
If you truly care about someone, you owe them the truth. Even if it hurts.
Be a surgeon, not a candy seller. The surgeon cuts you to heal you. The candy seller feeds you sugar while your teeth rot.
The Challenge:
Identify one area where you have been “biting your tongue” to avoid conflict (with a partner, a friend, or a coworker).
Say the thing.
Do it respectfully, do it calmly, but do not dilute the truth.
“I’ve been saying yes to this, but actually, I don’t enjoy it and I want to stop.”
Watch how much lighter you feel.