If you ask 100 people what they want out of life, 99 of them will give you the same vague answer:
“I just want to be happy.”
It sounds innocent. It sounds logical. But I am here to tell you that “trying to be happy” is actually the recipe for misery.
The modern obsession with constant happiness is making us anxious, depressed, and fragile. We treat happiness as the default setting, and if we aren’t smiling or thrilled, we assume something is broken.
Here is the reality check: Happiness is not a goal. It is a side effect.
The Trap of “The High”
Think about the last time you felt pure happiness. Maybe it was a promotion, a first date, or buying a new car.
How long did it last? A day? A week?
Happiness is an emotion. And like all emotions (anger, fear, surprise), it is temporary. It is a spike in your biochemistry designed to reward you for something.
Biologically, you are not designed to be happy all the time. If you were constantly euphoric, you would be eaten by a predator because you wouldn’t be paying attention to threats.
When you make “Happiness” your primary goal, you are chasing a ghost. You are trying to make a fleeting emotion permanent. And when the feeling inevitably fades (because it always does), you panic. You think, “Why am I not happy anymore? What’s wrong with me?”
Nothing is wrong with you. You just came down from the high.
The Hedonic Treadmill
Psychologists call this the Hedonic Treadmill.
No matter what happens to you, winning the lottery or losing a leg. Your brain eventually returns to its “baseline” level of satisfaction.
- You buy the dream house. You are happy for 3 months. Then, it just becomes “the house.” You start worrying about the mortgage and the leaky roof.
- You get the dream job. You are thrilled for a month. Then, it just becomes “work.”
If you chase happiness, you have to keep running faster and faster on the treadmill just to stay in the same place. It is exhausting.
The Better Goal: Peace
If we shouldn’t aim for happiness, what should we aim for?
Aim for Peace.
Happiness is excitement; it is high energy. Peace is low energy; it is stability.
- Happiness is needing the world to be perfect.
- Peace is being okay even when the world is chaotic.
You cannot be happy 24/7. But you can be at peace 24/7.
The Stoics didn’t strive for Joy. They strove for Ataraxia, an untroubled mind. They understood that a life spent chasing highs results in a life of desperate lows.
How to Shift Your Baseline
Once I stopped asking myself “Am I happy?” and started asking “Am I at peace?”, my anxiety dropped by 90%.
Here is how to make the shift:
1. Accept Neutrality
Most of life is not amazing. Most of life is not terrible. Most of life is just… Tuesday.
It is washing dishes. It is driving to work. It is sitting in a meeting.
Stop trying to “spice up” every moment. Learn to be okay with boredom. Neutrality is where the work gets done.
2. Subtraction, Not Addition
We think happiness comes from adding things (more money, more friends, more trips).
But Peace comes from subtraction.
- Subtracting debt.
- Subtracting toxic friends.
- Subtracting the need to impress strangers.
- Subtracting the desire for things you don’t have.
3. Purpose Over Pleasure
Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps, argued that humans don’t need happiness, we need meaning.
Happiness is selfish (“I feel good”). Meaning is service (“I am useful”).
When you focus on being useful to your family, your community, or your work happiness often sneaks in the back door when you aren’t looking.
The Verdict
Stop checking your emotional temperature every hour.
If you aren’t happy right now, that is fine. You aren’t supposed to be.
Are you safe? Are you breathing? Are you moving toward something meaningful?
That is enough.
Don’t trade your peace for a cheap hit of dopamine.
The Challenge:
Catch yourself today. The next time you feel bored or “neutral,” don’t reach for your phone to fix it. Just sit with it. Tell yourself: “This is peace. This is okay.”